Handyman or Hooker. Always get a written estimate before the work is started.

Welcome to the police blotter coverage of the cases investigated by the members of the Ponoka RCMP between Nov. 9 and the 16th. You may have noted that the blotter was absent from last week’s Ponoka News.

Welcome to the police blotter coverage of the cases investigated by the members of the Ponoka RCMP between Nov. 9 and the 16th. You may have noted that the blotter was absent from last week’s Ponoka News. I want you to know that this was not my fault. I sent one … but because of the odd publishing date, due to a Tuesday holiday … it arrived at the editor’s desk too late and now it is gone forever. Too bad. *I was told that it was far and away the funniest, most insightful and poignant police blotter I had ever written and (in fact) would have assured me of the prestigious Pulitzer Prize for Excellence in the category of Law Enforcement Comedy (if one actually existed). One person who read the original draft laughed so hard that he’d actually peed a little. Oh well, ancient history now. Here is all I was able to come up with this week:

A man goes to the bedroom to give his wife a goodnight kiss. He farts and she punches him in the arm. You may be saying to yourself, “so what?”. (I know it happens at my house once in a while too … big deal). You may even be asking yourself why you are reading about this in the Police Blotter or in the newspaper at all, for that matter. The answer is this: After receiving the punch in the arm… the man picked up the phone, called 911 and reported that he had been assaulted. The man indicated that he didn’t necessarily feel that his wife should be formally charged but he did want police to (drop whatever minor nuisances they were presently dealing with) come over and “inform (his) wife that he will not tolerate physical abuse”.  

Apparently the man was aware of the finer points regarding Section 266 of the Criminal Code and that there is no requirement that he suffer any actual injury in order for the charge to stand. What he didn’t know was that Section 245 of the Criminal Code makes it an offence to “administer a noxious substance to a person” and that in order to be liable for a sentence “of imprisonment not exceeding two years” one only has to prove that the victim was “annoyed” by the (in this case …) vapour. And I’ll bet “annoyed” doesn’t even come close to describing the depth of  the irritation experienced by the wife of this particular “complainant”.

Very late one night, a man called 911 to report that he had beenvisiting with a dear female friend in his hotel room (her name escapes him) and that she had disappeared. He also said that while he was looking for her, he discovered that $300 had also disappeared from his wallet. (He wasn’t sure if the two disappearances were related but thought since he had already called 911 he should mention them both – so’s not to be nuisance). He had actually tracked her to a rural residence after learning that a local taxi driver had just taken her there. He could see her there in the house but she wouldn’t answer the door for him and so that was when he placed his 911 call to police.

Police were confused. They wanted to know what it was he wanted from them. Clearly his concern over the disappearance of his dear friend (yup… name still escapes him) was no longer an issue as he had found her at her home, safe and sound. Was he wanting to report that she had been responsible for the disappearance of his $300? If so, he needed to be at the police station to provide a statement and police could deal with the suspect later. The man seemed genuinely conflicted. Stolen? Over-tipped? Criminal offence requiring the assistance of police or a civil matter for the small claims court. Hmmm? Police are always reminding people; whether it is a door to door vacuum salesman or handyman or a nameless hooker: always get a written estimate and look out for those expensive little “extras” that drive up the final bill.

Police responded to a 911 hang-up call. The 911 operator had called the number which had place the 911 call in the first place and spoke to a woman who assured her that the call was inadvertent. As we are required to do, police confirmed that the call was accidental. They too spoke with the woman at that number and she told them that she was dusting the phone and must have dusted the key pad a little too enthusiastically.

The member was satisfied that this was the case and left it at that but couldn’t shake the image of some ham-fisted woman being able to smack a telephone keypad hard enough with a feather duster to dial a call; he’d hoped she wasn’t a dentist (or proctologist) when she wasn’t home, off duty, doing household tidying.

If you have information about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472. You can also call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS or now leave tips anonymously on-line at www.tipsubmit.com . If this is the kind of environment that you would like to work in, we are hiring. Check us out at www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca or call 1-877-RCMP-GRC for information about the application process.

*note: Just kidding. It was only average-ly amusing.