Just because you buy a girl a few drinks, a nice supper and get a room at a fancy hotel …

Between March 23 and 30, Ponoka RCMP members ... Oh, blah, blah, blah! I’m going to remember this week’s blotter more for what is not in it than what is in it ... and if I ever write a book compiling these tales ... I’ll explain what I meant by that.

Between March 23 and 30, Ponoka RCMP members … Oh, blah, blah, blah! I’m going to remember this week’s blotter more for what is not in it than what is in it … and if I ever write a book compiling these tales … I’ll explain what I meant by that.

A young couple spent a romantic weekend night in Red Deer. They went out for drinks and had a nice meal at a moderately expensive restaurant downtown. They capped off the evening in the honeymoon suite at a nearby hotel where they used room service for a sinfully rich dessert, sipped Spumante in the Jacuzzi, had an overpriced nightcap (or three) from the mini- bar and enjoyed a mood setting movie. In the morning, they ordered up the most expensive breakfast on the menu and had it served to them, in bed, before checking out. All in all, a tremendously romantic evening. Strangely, the Ponoka man who thought he had merely misplaced his wallet (credit card – more to the point) didn’t find the evening affair nearly as satisfying as the guy signing his name evidently did.

Police foiled a late night theft over the weekend and recovered some stolen property. Unfortunately the long arm of the law failed to capture the pair of crooks who managed to slip out of the perimeter that police had set up quickly around the crime scene. Even more unfortunately … the pair avoided the sharp teeth of the law dog that just happened to be available and very nearby. It started when police noticed a couple of young males (with an aluminum ladder) standing near some shrubs, between Centennial Park and the adjacent church. The members were most troubled by the presence of the ladder. Since members working night-shift are more inclined towards having a pessimistic view of things than day-shift members, they could see all sorts of illicit reasons for these characters skulking around at night with a ladder. Obviously the skulkers had their own reservations about explaining themselves (and the ladder) to police and ran away as fast as a couple frightened bunnies with a hungry wolf nipping at their fluffy, tufted rears. As it turns out … the treasures that these cunning little lawbreakers had brought out the ladder for were the big white plastic balls topping the lamp posts at the entrance to the museum. Apparently these guys didn’t have any balls of their own. When we get the results back from their fingerprints … we’ll ask them about that.

A young fellow (which police are all too familiar with) was stopped for a seatbelt violation. He seemed quite nervous. Police suspected that the nervousness had more to do with his probation conditions than with any ticket he might be getting. So, police allowed him to recite his probation conditions point by point and then they quizzed him on each condition, point by point, in order to allay his fears that he may be “breaching” any of them. The member asked, “do you have any liquor inside of you … or your car?”. “No sir”, he replied. “Do you have any drugs inside of you or your car?”, he was asked. “Nope and nope”, said he. “Are you in possession of a cell phone, pager or any other electronic communications device?”. “N’no sir”, he managed. “OK. You can go wait in your car for your tickets,” allowed the member. A few steps away and Nervous Nellie began to cough loudly and clear his throat. He also began to walk in a manner similar to that of a toddler who is filling a diaper mid-stride (number two). The member called out, “Hey Dingbat, your pants are ringing. Shouldn’t you answer them? It might be your Probation Officer calling”

Police were on the look-out for a local man wanted on an outstanding warrant. The last time we went looking for him, he was discovered hiding under the cushions of his girlfriend’s couch. He was much easier to find this time. He was on the losing end of a fist fight outside of a downtown bar. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t make it that easy for us. We still had to run after him first and then find him amongst the legion of half-drunk smokers standing around outside the neighboring pubs. Of course, him being shirtless, bloodied and screaming like a lovesick cockatoo made the matter of locating him much simpler. In cells he reaffirmed that he was the inspiration behind that T-shirt philosophy “Instant ‘butt-hole … Just Add Liquor” and that he is still very bitter about that whole matter of unpaid royalties.

If you have information about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472. You can also call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS or now leave tips anonymously on-line at www.tipsubmit.com. If this is the kind of environment that you would like to work in, we are hiring. Check us out at www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca or call 1-877-RCMP-GRC for information about the application process.