Mounties accused of using Jedi mind

Between May 18 and 25, Ponoka RCMP members mesmerized malefactors, overcharged outlaws and pursued a pervert. There were other things going on too and together, they resulted in 22 big mouths to feed in cells this week.

Between May 18 and 25, Ponoka RCMP members mesmerized malefactors, overcharged outlaws and pursued a pervert. There were other things going on too and together, they resulted in 22 big mouths to feed in cells this week.

This week a man came to the front counter of the detachment to complain that he was the victim of police misconduct. The complainant alleged that he was arrested about 18 months ago for assault. He explained that he had admitted to committing that assault in his formal statement to police at the time and admitted those facts, once again, in court after entering a plea of “guilty”. He stated that he was convicted and that he has since served his sentence in full. To this point, the police supervisor, who was taking the complaint, was a little perplexed as to the specific nature of the misconduct that this man initially alluded to. The complainant (who was apparently better at reading minds than the supervisor) added that he had recently undergone a form of regression therapy and has now learned that he hadn’t committed the offence at all; that he was hypnotized by the arresting officer and was subjected to the post hypnotic suggestion that he had committed the crime. The supervisor was just about to invite the man inside, to obtain a formal statement, recounting the unlawful bewitching perpetrated upon him by that member, when another person came into the detachment (which caused the little bell attached to the door to jingle). The sound of the jingling bell caused a blank look to come over the face of the complainant. He looked at the police supervisor and said “I think I might be lost. I was looking for …. uh …. something else”. OK. I made up that last bit … but wasn’t that a more satisfying ending then just knowing that the complainant simply came to the realization that his grievance didn’t have the same merit when spoken aloud as it had while it rattled about, inside of his head during the walk over to the station?

This week a member stopped a vehicle for a moving violation and learned that the driver had an outstanding warrant. That particular warrant is one that we refer to as a “pay or stay” warrant where the subject either pays the outstanding fine amount forthwith or he stays in custody for the equivalent amount of jail time. In this case it was a warrant issued for the Edmonton Police Service. EPS confirmed that the warrant was still in effect and advised that the outstanding fine amount was “five seventy five or fifteen days in default”. The member brought the accused to the detachment and allowed him to make several phone calls in order to rustle up the cash. After several hours he managed to come up with $575 and was released from custody. We sent EPS a message advising them of this. EPS sent us a message back stating that the outstanding fine was $5.75 and not the $575, which we collected (though they applauded our ability to collect it). In the end, whoever it was that paid his fine will get the balance back and for his part … the accused … will never leave home with less than $6.00 in his pocket … ever.

Last Friday afternoon, two young ladies were walking down the path between the Composite high school and the Husky on Hwy 2A. They could not help but notice a male standing in the bushes, nearby, facing the high school, with his pants bunched up around his ankles. Initially they thought that he was relieving himself, then when he turned to face them, chuckling stupidly, they realized that they were right … only the relief, which he was so vigorously attempting to achieve, had little to do with his having an overfull bladder and a whole lot to do with his having an over stimulated, degenerate’s imagination. The suspect seemed intent on continuing so it was the witnesses that ran away and called the police. Apparently the suspect had adequate time to complete the task at hand and to crawl back under whatever rock it was he had crawled out from in the first place.

Initially, I had heard that the witnesses did not get a good look at the suspects face. I found that curious since I was also aware that a police sketch artist was on his way to the office – presumably to draw something – though apparently not a face. I was pleased for myself ( and relieved for the witnesses) that I had suffered one of those rare but bewildering instances of a French to English translation miscue. In fact, the witnesses got an excellent look at this deviant’s face and that resulted in an excellent likeness for police to use. Police have identified a number of suspects. That investigation is ongoing.

If you have information this regarding this creepy little pervert or about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472. You can also call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS or now leave tips anonymously on-line at . If this is the kind of environment that you would like to work in, we are hiring. Check us out at or call 1-877-RCMP-GRC for information about the application process.