Presenting the X Files … Ponoka RCMP style

Between May 25 and June 1, Ponoka RCMP members executed a number of drug related search warrants over the past few weeks. Cash, drugs and offence related property was seized. Several young anti-citizens are facing a variety of charges. (It always amazes me that these high rolling, Scarface, wannabes all have their fridges stocked with the cheapest beer and no-name bologna).

Between May 25 and June 1, Ponoka RCMP members executed a number of drug related search warrants over the past few weeks. Cash, drugs and offence related property was seized. Several young anti-citizens are facing a variety of charges. (It always amazes me that these high rolling, Scarface, wannabes all have their fridges stocked with the cheapest beer and no-name bologna). And of course you already know that a number of us were required to return to highschool recently. 48 guests have darkened our cell doors since my last blotter.

Earlier in the week police solved the age-old mystery of crop circles and how they are formed. It turns out that they are not formed by intelligent extraterrestrial life forms in flying saucers at all but are the product of an unintelligent, terrestrial, booby with a pickup truck; at least that is how it is here. You may (or may not) be surprised to know that this same young man has made more appearances in this blotter over the last five years than (probably) any other … and he is only 19 years old. This time he got interrupted by the approaching landowner while he was impressing his girlfriend and his like-witted pal with how much damage he could cause to a maturing wheat field in the middle of the night with his Chevy 4X4. He attempted to flee from the landowner by crashing through fences, driving over mailboxes and racing down the rural back roads with his headlights turned off. When those tactics didn’t work, he tried reversing course and racing head on at the complainant in a dangerous game of chicken. Police surrounded the area and stopped the vehicle before he killed anyone (including himself). This time, instead of getting a couple of expensive tickets, which seem not to have the intended deterrent effect upon him, he was charged with the criminal code versions of the driving offences, brought before a judge, had his licence suspended immediately and was released on cash bail with conditions that he not so much as sit in the driver’s seat of a vehicle until his court matters are concluded. And yes … as in all other previous close encounters of the weird kind involving this alien entity … there was an appearance by the mother ship and once again accused police of harassing her child.

Standing at the foot of the castle wall, serenading your true love as she looks down upon you adoringly, from her perch high upon her ivy clad balcony is the classically romantic way to show your affections and still avoid detection by her disapproving parents. Sneaking up to your true love’s house for a “surprise booty call” wearing camouflaged sniper gear including netting with tufts of dry grass, twigs and leaves (for that indistinct – lump of ground look) is just plain creepy. Oddly enough, there was only one such complaint this week. Not surprisingly, this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and resulted in the type of domestic disassociation which includes cash bail and a police enforced “no contact” provision.

One day, at about 8 a.m., police were called by a young woman who basically said, “I’d like to report that my truck was not stolen”. The member begged her pardon but wanted to know why she was calling then. (Author’s note: typically people tend not to call us to report things like, “I just called to say that I wasn’t assaulted at the bar last night” or “I’d like to report that my neighbour doesn’t grow marijuana in his basement” … that sort of thing). She added that she discovered that her vehicle and keys were missing and she suspected that her boyfriend took her vehicle but insisted that she did not want police to do anything about it. Well that seemed easy enough. The member thanked her for taking time out of her day to call and assured her that he would do “nothing about it”, just as she wished (though he was fairly certain that this was not going to be the case).

At 10 a.m her vehicle was driven into a ditch in the Hobbema area and a group of young drunken males were seen stumbling away from it. She was contacted by a Hobbema member and advised of those circumstances. She still didn’t want to report it stolen and refused to say who she had lent it to. She requested that it be towed back to her residence in Ponoka. After the vehicle arrived at her home, she saw how much damage it had sustained and was presented with a bill for the towing, she began to remember the circumstances of its disappearance differently. I suspect a call to her insurance company further assisted her in recovering the misplaced memories of the events preceding the damage. She called Hobbema detachment back to report that her vehicle was stolen, earlier this morning, by unknown persons. The member asked her where it was stolen from. She placed her hand over the handset but was heard to yell “where should I say it was stolen from?” and a male to call out “tell them Ponoka”. The member advised her that she then needed to report the theft to Ponoka members but warned her that making a false report was going to have circumstances.

By 12 p.m. she had arrived at the Ponoka Detachment to make a formal statement regarding the theft of her vehicle. The member agreed to take her statement but first took her on a trip back through time to about 8 a.m. and then, contradiction by contradiction, back to the present and offered her an insight into an opinion that was beginning to take shape in his mind regarding the validity of the statement she seemed intent on making. In the end, she basically said, “I’d like to report that my truck was not stolen”.

If you have information about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472. You can also call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS or now leave tips anonymously on-line at www.tipsubmit.com . If this is the kind of environment that you would like to work in, we are hiring. Check us out at www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca or call 1-877-RCMP-GRC for information about the application process.