Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever mom says he can

This week Ponoka Mounties did, in minutes, what J. Jonah Jameson and the combined might of the New York City Police Department could not do over the course of some 45 years. We captured and unmasked the Amazing Spiderman.

This week Ponoka Mounties did, in minutes, what J. Jonah Jameson and the combined might of the New York City Police Department could not do over the course of some 45 years. We captured and unmasked the Amazing Spiderman. What was probably the most “amazing” thing about Spiderman was that he is, in fact, a mild mannered, three year old boy who had managed to give his parents the slip temporarily to go out of doors, in costume, for a super-hero adventure in more unobstructed environs. Security features are expected to be beefed up at his current holding facility to prevent any future unaccompanied web-slinging escapades.

Police responded to a complaint of four people fighting in a grocery store parking lot Saturday night at around 9 pm. Police spoke to all four but quickly settled upon one man as the root cause of the problem. There were four members there to speak with each of the four subjects. He was the only one who wanted to duke it out with police instead of telling his side of the incident. He was arrested after a brief struggle and brought to cells; where he was to sober up for a few hours before facing a judge the next morning and explain why he had attacked a man and his girlfriend in the parking lot for no apparent reason. Police were hoping that he would also explain why he kicked off his shoes and socks before putting up his dukes with the man he attacked in the first place. It wasn’t because he had any martial arts skills (I can personally bear witness to that). I can only assume that he was going to wave the stinky things in front of his victims face in order to stun him.

I guess I shouldn’t tease him though. In cells he attempted to hang himself. The fact that he used 36 inches of our ultra-cheap, single ply prisoner toilet paper to do it shouldn’t take anything away from the earnestness of his goal. Besides, knowing the quality of our sub-industrial grade sanitary wiping products as I have heard … he probably got a nasty sliver.

On the subject of unprovoked attacks: Late Friday night, two women were walking home when they interrupted a domestic disturbance in an alley. The interruption allowed the female to get further away from the agitated man but it also resulted in that man turning his anger upon the two women bystanders. He physically assaulted both and then chased them to their apartment. He then made a very genuine effort at beating down the apartment door to continue the assault. Police arrived very soon after.

Police found the man on the rooftop to the adjoining building and when he wouldn’t come down to see them, they went up to see him. That set off a 90 minute standoff which involved police from two detachments, the fire department and an ambulance crew. The highlights of this 90 minute drama included one time where he pretended to surrender and then spit in the faces of police as they attempted to help him up from a lower rooftop to the one they were on. Other times he threw rocks and one time a propane tank. On another occasion, he walked to the edge of one rooftop causing police and firemen to come closer (with something noble like ‘rescue’ in mind). He took that opportunity to unzip his pants and try to ‘shower’ the rescuers. Moments later, just as police were about to employ a tactical solution to end the standoff and capture this Bozo … he surrendered again. His surrender lasted only until he was helped up from one rooftop level to a higher one (which had a stairway attached to it) before he broke away from one policeman and launched himself feet first (Jackie Chan style) at another policeman (yours truly) who stood between him and the staircase to freedom.

I sidestepped and avoided being rocked by his flying kung-fu kick. Unfortunately, that put me an inch or so too far away to offer him a helping hand before he tumbled backwards, headfirst down that first flight of steps. My regret (you can use your own imagination as to the actual depth of my regret) was short lived as he seemed unphased by the tumble and was about to continue his escape. Members were determined that this man’s violent crime spree was going to end on that 4’ by 4’ landing between the first and second floors of that staircase. This was achieved by the combination of some police tactics which may have looked, to the uninitiated, like one doing a WWE turn buckle dive and another trying to twist a branch off of a big tree. When the third member arrived there was no mistaking the cackle of the taser or the end of the fight. That man is facing a long list of charges and presently sitting in jail awaiting … well much more jail I would think.

If you have information about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472. You can also call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS or now leave tips anonymously on-line at www.tipsubmit.com . If this is the kind of environment that you would like to work in, we are hiring. Check us out at www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca or call 1-877-RCMP-GRC for information about the application process.