This week on lifestyles of the thick and aimless

Welcome to this week’s unprofessionally written compilation of law enforcement related gossip (only some of which that are my own case files). This week’s unfair downloading of responsibility onto parents (including single mothers) includes, but is not limited to, the following examples of anti-social, dangerous, dumb (or some combination thereof) conduct:

Welcome to this week’s unprofessionally written compilation of law enforcement related gossip (only some of which that are my own case files). This week’s unfair downloading of responsibility onto parents (including single mothers) includes, but is not limited to, the following examples of anti-social, dangerous, dumb (or some combination thereof) conduct:

What do you get when you have a 17 year old son with too much time on his hands, a copy of Photo Shop on the home computer and a yearning to buy his liquor himself? You get the kind of dummy who Photo-Shops his own drivers licence (with a sufficiently lowered date of birth), glues it onto his own highschool ID card, tries to use it at a liquor store (only to loose it to the sharp eyed clerk) and all of it captured on high definition surveillance video. You also get this week’s most easily solved forgery case. Atta boy!

Police were dispatched to a strange complaint this week. The caller reported that a group of young boys were standing at the side of the road and trying to grab cars as they were driving by. The bylaw officer was first on scene and looked after the matter for us. He explained to the young daredevils the risks that they were facing with such behaviour and added (in the event that they were unaware) that only starfish arms and chameleon tails grow back after being violently ripped off. He also took the proactive step to caution these future doctors, scientists and professors to avoid sticking forks into electrical outlets, running with scissors and licking frozen metal objects.

On night, at 2 a.m., police responded to what we refer to as a “911 hang-up call”. That is when someone calls 911 but doesn’t give the operator any information and then won’t (or can’t) answer the phone when the 911 operator calls back. In this case members arrived at the address from where the call was placed. A woman answered the door and explained that she had called 911 but that everything was fine now. She stated that her “emergency” was that she arrived home after her shift and discovered that her son had left the lights on and was watching TV. When she inferred from the puzzled (possibly slightly annoyed) look on the members face she added that lights and TV were forbidden after midnight and therefore contrary to the established household laws. Before the member could even formulate a suitable admonishment for this ridiculous misuse of the emergency dispatch system … she further imparted that her “kid” (the one with a strictly enforced midnight bed time) is 25 years old. Hmmm? Somebody needs to get a job and move out of their mommy’s house.

This week a woman called police to report that someone had stolen her children’s Slip n’ Slide from her yard. Actually she had called because a friend of hers spotted that very Slip n Slide at a residence several blocks away after she had resigned herself to its absence. A police officer attended that residence to make some discreet inquiries regarding the origin of a certain slippery, splashy, summer amusement.

The resident did recall noticing that a Slip n’ Slide had indeed materialized at a party he’d recently hosted. He admitted that he ‘didn’t give it much thought’ (coincidentally the underlying theme of this week’s blotter) and pulled the damaged item out of his shed for the member. Some discussion covering such topics as “possession of stolen property” and “arrest” led to the discussion of other topics such as “restitution”, “replacement value” and “right now mister” which led to a suitable resolution for the lawful Slip n’ Slide owner (or better have by the time you read this). I must be old school.

When I go to someone’s place for a party, I usually bring a few drinks or maybe a sidedish. I never even considered bringing a wet, 30 foot long, grass covered, vinyl kids toy, I’d stolen on the way, to my host’s residence.

On Sunday someone noticed a scruffy looking man stop his minivan in an alley, take two little black kittens out of the back and throw them (like baseballs) into some bushes before racing away. One of the kittens actually returned to him and was nearly run over by him in the process.

Apparently this is one of those people who can only think one thought at a time; like “must throw away cute live kittens” and therefore was unable to devote any synaptic energy to the thought, “should look around and see if anyone is watching”. Also apparent was the fact that kitten tossing is thirsty work and our hero made his way directly to a local convenience store for a king sized, brain freezing root beer slush. On his way past the TV monitor he may have even thought, “who is ugly man on TV? Oh! It’s just me”. Now I have his licence plate number and a picture of his smiling, slushee sucking mug to work with.

Stay tuned fellow cat lovers … I’m sure that there will be more to come in the following weeks. As for the kittens … they are both fine and the complainant was undertaking to find a more suitable guardian for them.

If you have information about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, call the Ponoka RCMP at 403-783-4472. You can also call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS or now leave tips anonymously on-line at www.tipsubmit.com . If this is the kind of environment that you would like to work in, we are hiring. Check us out at www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca or call 1-877-RCMP-GRC for information about the application process.

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