This week’s blotter. Full of sound and fury; signifying nothing.

(Some will, no doubt, note that I left out the “told by an idiot” part in my ode to Macbeth, headline). Between June 22 and July 6 (aka, the 14 day long week which is the beginning of the school summer vacation, the arrival of the carnies and the Ponoka Stampede) Ponoka RCMP members did more, saw more, experienced way more than I can possibly begin to describe here on this top half of page four in this week’s Ponoka News. I shan’t even try.

(Some will, no doubt, note that I left out the “told by an idiot” part in my ode to Macbeth, headline). Between June 22 and July 6 (aka, the 14 day long week which is the beginning of the school summer vacation, the arrival of the carnies and the Ponoka Stampede) Ponoka RCMP members did more, saw more, experienced way more than I can possibly begin to describe here on this top half of page four in this week’s Ponoka News. I shan’t even try. I don’t really know why I wrote something about these following subjects. No reason really. It’s all just random thoughts sailing aimlessly around in my head. Here now, in no particular order and with no particular purpose …

This week a woman called police to report that her bicycle was stolen. She identified it by the make, model and colour as well as by the description of the expensive red bike lock she had wrapped around it. Then it hit me. I’ve always wanted to invent something useful (and something that will fill up my bank account with gold). I’m going to invent something that you can lock bikes up to.

Recently a local woman discovered that ten different cell phones were contracted for (by unknown persons) using her name. She was concerned about this and contacted her cell phone provider and reported the matter to their internal fraud investigations department. She received a letter from her cellular network provider a while later. She anticipated that it was going to be a note thanking her for bringing the misuse of that network to their attention and perhaps an apology for any inconvenience that it may have caused her. In fairness it could be said that a bill for twenty thousand dollars left her speechless (which is a strange reaction for someone who so clearly likes to talk). Apparently her provider preferred to believe that she had friends on every continent and would call them a lot (perhaps even calling some of them from different phones in different provinces at the same time.) It was her lawyer who suggested that she call the police and register a complaint. I agree. I too suspect that a crime is being perpetrated here.

Though the competition was intense; the strangest call to police this week was the 911 report that “Const. so and so needs help. About 30 bikers at above location trying to put cocaine in Const. so and so’s rectum”. It just so happened that there was a Const. so and so on duty at the time and he could not be raised on the radio. We attended the location and spoke with the complainant. When it appeared that we were not believing her information she led us into her home and let our own fellow RCMP members corroborate it. She pointed out several of them in her place, in her closets, behind her fridge and under assorted furnishings. In the end (if you’ll excuse the initially, unintentional pun) Const. so and so was located elsewhere and was just as surprised to hear about his ordeal as we were.

Police were dispatched to a complaint of a man siphoning gas out of a vehicle; not a particularly unfamiliar complaint in this time of $1.30 per litre, gas prices. Police were a little more surprised when they arrived and suspected that the man was sniffing the gas. They were astonished when it turned out that he was actually drinking it. He later explained that he has been doing it for so long now he was actually fond of the flavour. He admitted a particular weakness for premium unleaded ethanol blends. I asked him if he smoked and he admitted quietly, “sometimes”. The way he said it made me think that he meant “smoke” in terms of the smoking which precedes spontaneous combustion.

There was a case of gender confusion in our cells over the stampede week. It wasn’t the person in question who was confused about their gender but me, the guards and ultimately a fairly well known rodeo competitor. I arrested a young woman for being grossly intoxicated in public. It turns out she was no lady (in more ways than one). After “going all Jerry Springer” on the arresting officer the young man was placed into a separate cell in order to prevent the problems that one might associate with putting a young lady (wearing a revealingly low cut top and skin tight booty shorts, long blond hair, exceptional makeup and fabulous nails) into the drunk tank with a bunch of drunken men. As the night dragged on (yes, also initially unintentional) the cells (particularly the mens’ drunk tank) filled up. It was at this time that the aforementioned “fairly well known rodeo competitor” arrived. He was still fairly ‘full of himself’ and so it was decided that he best not be in the company of people who may not share his opinion and since … technically … they were both men (and the lil’ pretty one seemed pleased to be in the company of the handsome young rodeo star). I heard later that the cowboy was pleading at the door to be let out, “can’t you just shoot me with your taser and give me a fine?”

Runner up for sexiest costume in the ‘drunk man’ category during the 2008 Ponoka Stampede was the young man who felt that the entertainment on the stage at the beer gardens was lacking something. It struck him that the missing ingredient was himself stripping down to his purple Fruit -o- the Loom, man thong; which he did much to the horror (and ultimate disappointment) of the female singer and the audience in general. This was evident by the loud cheer preceding his rapid escort out of the saloon and over to the first available police car.

Since you made it this far … keep reading. On Thursday, Sept. 4, the Ponoka RCMP are hosting our 1st Annual RCMP Charity Golf Fundraiser at the Wolf Creek Golf Resort. This year all proceeds of this event go to sponsor the good works of the Ponoka Emergency Tri-Services Society, the Ponoka Citizens On Patrol Society (C.O.P.S.) and the Ponoka RCMP – Victim Services Unit. The entry fee is $120 per person (GST included) and for that you get 18 holes of golf at one of Canada’s top rated courses, the use of a power cart, a barbecue steak dinner and prizes. Additional information can be obtained from Donna Noble (Ponoka Fire Department) at 403-783-0112. … oh yeah if you see crime – call us or call Crime Stoppers. You know the numbers.

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