RCMP Report – Brought to you by the number ‘2’

  • May. 14, 2008 11:00 a.m.

During the first 11 days of May, Ponoka RCMP members had the special events of Bull-O-Rama, high school graduation parties and Mother’s Day added to their usual list of concerns. Interestingly enough, each of those special events or occasions resulted in someone being arrested. Some of the complaints, during that time, that didn’t result in any arrests included the 911 call reporting a man at a restaurant ‘making threatening faces’, or the complaint that one person’s neighbor is ‘trying to upset him by staring at him.’ There are 53 visitors to the Crowbar Hotel, so far this month.

There was no blotter last week (I’m hoping you noticed there was nothing to chuckle about on page four last Wednesday). I was just too busy for a variety of reasons. One of them was an appointment with someone called a ‘proctologist’ and for something called a ‘colonoscopy’ – both now things I know far more about than I’d ever wanted to. I only mention it because I gave him a chuckle … even after he warned me that he had ‘heard em’ all.’ So as he was paying attention to what he was doing and I was watching a High Def monitor showing an extreme HD close-up of what he was doing … I asked him, ‘What’s the difference between a proctologist and a policeman?’ ‘Dunno,’ he said. ‘Nothing,’ I answered. (He got it right away. I didn’t need to explain that we both spend a lot of our working life dealing with badonkadonk’s).

Police responded to a 911 complaint reporting an intoxicated man lying on the ground beneath the balconies of a three-story apartment building.

The man was yelling that his legs were broken. Police arrived and quickly determined that this was a simple case of ‘falling down drunk’ and not the more severe form which is ‘falling off the third floor balcony drunk.’ Police also quickly determined that the only thing the man had broken was ‘wind’ … which he did so loudly enough to be heard clearly by the tenants on balconies (both near and far) who were watching. What they missed was that there was also some follow through (and incidentally, the reason I’m glad my ghost car doesn’t accommodate drunk tank guests). Fortunately, the member (who also attended that complaint and did have such a prisoner accommodating car) had only a short distance to travel and was able to hold his breath for most of it.

Police didn’t have much trouble with any of the hundreds of teens celebrating their high school graduations this weekend. One clear exception was the drunken lad who was kicked out of his Grad Party, held in a rural area, but refused to leave and swore he would only leave in the back of a police car. He was quite right and for the entire trip back to Ponoka he threw a temper tantrum in the back seat and screamed at the members for ruining his Grad and complaining that he had nothing to remember it by. This performance and his promise to continue it, earned him a trip to the drunk tank instead of home. As promised, the tempestuous fit did continue at cells. Even after police began to find things in his possession which could result in fines, he would not behave; not even in exchange for police exercising their discretion on those offences. So, he received a $115 fine for being in possession of chewing tobacco (an offence under the Prevention of Youth Tobacco Use Act) and a $345 fine for having someone else’s driver’s licence in his wallet (someone who looked a lot like him but was already 18 and not just nearly 18). That one was an offence under the Traffic Safety Act. Collectively both statutes can also be found in the Poultry Excrement and Attitude Readjustment Act. Now his Grad night will be memorable.

Late one night an observant gas station attendant noticed a vehicle pull up to the pumps for a fill. Based on her observations, she had formed the opinion that the driver (who was one of the three fellows who stumbled out of the vehicle) was impaired by alcohol and accordingly contacted police. Police attended. One member spoke to the three males (none of which admitted to being the driver – strangely enough). The other member spoke with the complainant in order to get more details.

She advised that she based her opinion on the following indices of impairment. Strong odour of liquor on breath (check), bloodshot / glassy eyes (check), poor balance and co-ordination (check) … so far she was giving the same evidence that a member would give in court … then she added that ‘he stood up in front of the toilet when he used it.’

That last one seemed a little weak insofar as ‘classic signs of impairment’ were concerned; particularly since most men are often guilty of that little indiscretion themselves, sober or otherwise. She led the member to the washroom and one glance inside cleared the matter up. So … one more excellent indicator of alcohol impairment is standing up at the toilet … to crunch out a number two. If you have information about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472. You can also call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS or now leave tips anonymously on-line at www.tipsubmit.com. If this is the kind of environment that you would like to work in, we are hiring. Check us out at www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca or call 1-877-RCMP-GRC for information about the application process.