Dear Santa;
I’ve been a good mom all year! I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than the doctor, sold 62 cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter’s Girl Scout sash with staples and a glue gun!
I was hoping that you could spread my first Christmas gift list out over several Xmases? Since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, who knows when I’ll find any more free time to make wishes over the next 18 years?
Here are my Christmas wishes:
*I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache after a day of chasing kids, and in any colour except purple, which I already have. Also some arms that don’t flap in the breeze but are strong enough to gently but firmly carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
*If you are handling big ticket items this year I’d like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to chat on the phone once in a while.
*On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says: “Yes mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip up all the way without using power tools.
*I could also use a recording of some Tibetan Monks chanting, “Don’t eat in the living room”, and “Take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s range and can only be heard by the dog.
*Please Santa, don’t forget the ‘Playdoh Travel Pack”, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of pre-schoolers. It comes in three bright fluorescent colours and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws and the neighbour’s house seem just like mine.
*If it’s to late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the rare luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
*If you don’t mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much for you to declare ketchup as a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely! If you could also somehow coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were bosses of an organized crime family; or make it so my toddler didn’t look so darn cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pyjamas at midnight?
*Could you please also bring something a little more than socks and shorts for my husband, because he has been very patient and helpful with my household dilemmas most of the time; and is gone only during work hours and golf season. Maybe you could also help me to convince our parents that they are the best grandparents in the whole wide world, because they do make wonderful babysitters, and we do like to sneak away for a break once in a while!
*Well Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, my son has spied my feet under the laundry room door, and I think he wants his red crayon back. Have a safe trip on this busy night, please remember to leave your boots by the chimney, and come in quietly and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch a cold. Did you get your flu shot this year, and did you take your medicine before you left the North Pole? Help yourself to the milk and cookies on the table, but don’t eat to many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours always,
The mom of the house!
P.S. One more thing…. you can cancel all of my requests if you can keep my children young enough to always believe in Santa!
A few jolly tid-bits
*How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!
*Good King Wenceslas phoned for pizza. He politely informed the salesgirl, I’ll have my pizza the usual…. deep pan, crisp and even!
*I see where they now have gift cards for pets! The nicest present we can give them is a nice warm lap, a few good treats, and a home out of the cold!
I might just see some of you while out doing some very last minute Christmas shopping tonight five minutes before all the stores close? If not have a very Merry Christmas, all of you!