All about the shopping phases and perks of men

I don’t really know about the rest of the guys, but even as I approach my 70th birthday I still really enjoy our weekly shopping sprees.

MIKE RAINONE – Hammertime

I don’t really know about the rest of the guys, but even as I approach my 70th birthday I still really enjoy our weekly shopping sprees.

I must admit that yours truly has always been just the “cart pusher” and runner for the “we forget items’’ but as a volunteer I have to do it all myself and try not to get lost among all those long aisles.

Just for fun, here is how you might determine a man’s age by how they react and prepare for a sudden trip to the store on our own, quite often learning the hard way that we should always take a list! Just imagine working on another tough project around the house or yard, or being awakened from an afternoon nap and having to rush to the store?

In your 20s

• You would likely stop what you are doing, shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on some clean clothes. Then a quick check in the mirror and flex, add a dab of your favourite sexy cologne, because you never know when you might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane or discover that you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

Now in your 30s

• Stop what you were doing, put on clean shorts and a shirt, and change out of those smelly and tattered work shoes. This time you don’t need to spruce up too much because you married the hot chick you met in the store a few years ago. You had better wash your hands, comb your hair, and check in the mirror just to show everyone you meet that you “still got it.” Might even be a good idea to add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover up the smells of a tough workout, and the cute girl now running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

Heading into the fragile 40s

• Stop what you are doing, take a breather, and don’t forget to put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover up the slight tummy expansion and the hole in the crotch of your favourite shorts. Put on  different shoes and a hat, wash your hands, but no need to waste any of your expensive Brut cologne just for a short trip to the store. You will likely do a last minute check in the mirror and do much more sucking in than flexing,

When you have finished your chores you realize that the cute young lady running the register is your daughter’s age, but you still have enough zip left to notice, smile, and maybe even flirt just a little.

We have now entered the fabulous 50s

• You slowly stop what you are doing, put on a hat, and then wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. You will then take a quick glance in the mirror, and swear that you will never wear that shirt again because it makes you look fat. It is most important to change shoes, because you wouldn’t dare want to get any dirt in your new sports car. The lassie running the cash register has a great big smile when she sees you coming, making you think that you still got it, but then realizing the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait and Beer Shop, and it says “I got worms.”

In your 60s

• You will stop what you are doing and straighten up slowly, complaining about the pain in your back, and explaining that you have put in hard day already, even though it’s only 11 a.m. You don’t need a hat anymore, but you had better hose the garden dirt off your shoes. No need to look in the mirror because that was shattered in your 50s, but don’t forget to put in your teeth and put on clean underwear just in case you have an accident. The girl at the cash register may be cute, but you will never know because you forget your glasses, and don’t you dare forget to ask for the senior’s discount.

As I look forward to my 70s

• If I am doing anything, I will stop, and look forward to making a trip the store. First I will look organized by waiting until the drugstore has my prescriptions ready, but will likely forget to clean all the dirt of my totally historic old shoes before I head out the door. When I finally make it to the cash register the young lady stared at me the whole time, and I didn’t realize until I got home that my fly was open. Whatever the case, we should always try to enjoy shopping, and hope that we can still remember the names of those old friends who will stop for a chat or invite us for a coffee along the way.

I hope everyone is getting hyped up for the (Wild Wild West of 36 Lives on) 76th Ponoka Stampede from June 26 to July 2, which will go all out to salute Alberta’s vibrant oil and gas industry. In the meantime, have a great week, all of you!

Just Posted

Ponoka RCMP respond to intoxicated male in Golden Leisure Lodge

On May 15, 2019 the Ponoka RCMP responded to a complaint of… Continue reading

Town to sign five-year policing agreement with Ponoka Stampede

The Town of Ponoka will go ahead with a five-year renewable agreement… Continue reading

UPDATED: Ponoka RCMP arrest male on Canada wide warrant

UPDATE for Immediate Release: Collin James Courteoreille was wanted on a Canada… Continue reading

Town passes 2019 budgets and tax bylaw with 2.2 per cent increase

Ponoka town council passed a $25.5 million 2019 capital and operating budget… Continue reading

Alberta throne speech followed by bill to repeal provincial carbon tax

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has already signalled that if Alberta removes the tax, it will impose its federal carbon levy

Pipeline protester chimes in on Justin Trudeau’s B.C. fundraising speech

The government purchased the Trans Mountain pipeline and expansion project for $4.5 billion

Canada stripping citizenship from Chinese man over alleged marriage fraud

The move comes amid severely strained relations between Ottawa and Beijing

Mayor says northern Alberta town still under threat from nearby wildfire

The blaze has now eaten its way through about 920 square kilometres of forest

Bashaw RCMP assist Stettler in arrest

Man out on bail sitting in custody after vehicle theft spree

Ottawa spending $24.5M to research health benefits, risks of pot use

$390,000 will fund two cannabis public awareness

Crackdown on money laundering does not include federal public inquiry: minister

An independent report commissioned concluded $7.4 billion was laundered in B.C. last year

Trudeau’s action plan on climate change brings B.C. politician out of retirement

Terry Lake, a former B.C. health minister, is running for federal office in Kamloops-Thompson-Cariboo

Survey finds minimal progress in Canadian military’s fight against sexual misconduct

1.6 per cent of regular-force members — 900 military personnel — reported having been victims of sexual assaults over past year

Most Read