MIKE RAINONE – Hammertime
I don’t really know about the rest of the guys, but even as I approach my 70th birthday I still really enjoy our weekly shopping sprees.
I must admit that yours truly has always been just the “cart pusher” and runner for the “we forget items’’ but as a volunteer I have to do it all myself and try not to get lost among all those long aisles.
Just for fun, here is how you might determine a man’s age by how they react and prepare for a sudden trip to the store on our own, quite often learning the hard way that we should always take a list! Just imagine working on another tough project around the house or yard, or being awakened from an afternoon nap and having to rush to the store?
In your 20s
• You would likely stop what you are doing, shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on some clean clothes. Then a quick check in the mirror and flex, add a dab of your favourite sexy cologne, because you never know when you might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane or discover that you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
Now in your 30s
• Stop what you were doing, put on clean shorts and a shirt, and change out of those smelly and tattered work shoes. This time you don’t need to spruce up too much because you married the hot chick you met in the store a few years ago. You had better wash your hands, comb your hair, and check in the mirror just to show everyone you meet that you “still got it.” Might even be a good idea to add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover up the smells of a tough workout, and the cute girl now running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.
Heading into the fragile 40s
• Stop what you are doing, take a breather, and don’t forget to put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover up the slight tummy expansion and the hole in the crotch of your favourite shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat, wash your hands, but no need to waste any of your expensive Brut cologne just for a short trip to the store. You will likely do a last minute check in the mirror and do much more sucking in than flexing,
When you have finished your chores you realize that the cute young lady running the register is your daughter’s age, but you still have enough zip left to notice, smile, and maybe even flirt just a little.
We have now entered the fabulous 50s
• You slowly stop what you are doing, put on a hat, and then wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. You will then take a quick glance in the mirror, and swear that you will never wear that shirt again because it makes you look fat. It is most important to change shoes, because you wouldn’t dare want to get any dirt in your new sports car. The lassie running the cash register has a great big smile when she sees you coming, making you think that you still got it, but then realizing the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait and Beer Shop, and it says “I got worms.”
In your 60s
• You will stop what you are doing and straighten up slowly, complaining about the pain in your back, and explaining that you have put in hard day already, even though it’s only 11 a.m. You don’t need a hat anymore, but you had better hose the garden dirt off your shoes. No need to look in the mirror because that was shattered in your 50s, but don’t forget to put in your teeth and put on clean underwear just in case you have an accident. The girl at the cash register may be cute, but you will never know because you forget your glasses, and don’t you dare forget to ask for the senior’s discount.
As I look forward to my 70s
• If I am doing anything, I will stop, and look forward to making a trip the store. First I will look organized by waiting until the drugstore has my prescriptions ready, but will likely forget to clean all the dirt of my totally historic old shoes before I head out the door. When I finally make it to the cash register the young lady stared at me the whole time, and I didn’t realize until I got home that my fly was open. Whatever the case, we should always try to enjoy shopping, and hope that we can still remember the names of those old friends who will stop for a chat or invite us for a coffee along the way.
I hope everyone is getting hyped up for the (Wild Wild West of 36 Lives on) 76th Ponoka Stampede from June 26 to July 2, which will go all out to salute Alberta’s vibrant oil and gas industry. In the meantime, have a great week, all of you!