As a bachelor I would definitely not survive

Last week I was suddenly cast into the role of chief cook and bottle washer for a few days

Last week I was suddenly cast into the role of chief cook and bottle washer for a few days, and on a scale of 1 to 10 I will definitely not be winning any Mr. Housewife awards. First of all I will be the first to admit that I am not and likely never will be a very good cook, but finally at the age of 70 I have become quite talented at vacuuming, turning on and cleaning out the dishwasher, quick dusting, and all those other around the house chores that we hubbies are expected to share.

On the other hand, without the great culinary talents of my beloved wife, which I guess yours truly has taken for granted over the past 30 years, I have always been somewhat of a klutz in and around our kitchen. So when this latest crisis occurred, next to toast and peanut butter, cheese and crackers, bananas and TV dinners I became a fast food junkie, while somehow managing to show up at the hospital in time to devour what my best lady didn’t finish on her tray. I did, however, manage to keep our condo quite tidy, even though I had to make only one side of the bed, and was always up early in the morning actually preparing my own breakfast, while trying to remember what I had to do on my own before spending the rest of the day at the hospital.

My idea of cooking alone would be to use the four food groups, including canned, boxed, bagged and frozen. To show you how bad a chef I really am, one night I tried cooking a surprise supper with wine, which didn’t go so well because after five glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

Needless to say, I am so thankful she is now back home, and will be the first to realize and appreciate with all my heart just how precious our significant other partners, along with a loving and supportive family and friends are to all of us, both in the good times or when a crisis occurs. The Hammer has also promised, once again, to try and pay more attention to meals instead of just sitting down at the table when they are ready, as well as to learn more about her and his banking, and to not depend so much on fridge notes and ‘honey do’ lists when it comes to planning each day, together.

Now let’s have a little fun

• An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for a number of years, and finally, with today’s new technology, he was able to visit a doctor who fitted him with a fine set of inconspicuous hearing aids that thankfully allowed him to have 100 per cent hearing once again.

When the happy old gent returned for his regular checkup a month later, the doctor explained that his hearing was absolutely perfect, and insisted that his family must be extremely pleased that he could hear again. The gentleman replied with a mischievous grin, “Oh, I haven’t told my family just yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations, and by the way, I have changed my will three times..”

• The best answer to suit the occasion. “I’m not saying that you are stupid….I’m just saying that you’ve got bad luck when it comes to thinking. No you’re not fat, you are just a little husky.”

• Do we have too many new gadgets in this day and age?

– I recently saw a very distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker, and now I can’t get into my car,” she tearfully replied. After I politely asked her for her remote control, I quietly opened her car manually with the key, which were attached to the same ring along with assorted other gadgets. Then trying to ignore her very embarrassed stare, I suggested that she drive over to the store and buy some new batteries.

– As we get older our joints and arthritis symptoms are usually a lot more accurate than most of those meteorologists from Environment Canada, and our investments in health insurance are finally beginning to pay off.

• The good folks down at Embarrass, Minn., (population 600) are a hardy bunch and never complain about the winter weather forecasts or listen to the groundhog, no matter what. A few weeks ago in nearby Babbit the temperature registered -38 degrees F with a bitter wind chill. The old-timers will also remind everyone that on Feb. 2, 1966 the temperature at Embarrass reached a record -62 degrees F, the thermometer up in the old town tower broke, and they had to install a new one that would register -80 degrees F.

Never mind, it will soon be time to put on our shorts and fire up the barbecue, so forget about the Ides of March and go ahead and have a great week, all of you!

— HAMMERTIME