By GEORGE BROWN
OFF THE RECORD
Here we are on the threshold of 2011, wondering about what the exciting new year will bring, and putting forth with great intentions those resolutions that we will all try desperately to keep, but should not be to hard on ourselves if at first we don’t succeed.
Just for fun this week, I thought I would put together some general 2011 hopes and promises, along with a few of the funniest resolutions of the past, as well as best wishes to everyone.
• To our provincial government: Enough excuses. It’s time to stand up and be counted and see if your faithful taxpayers might like to give someone else a chance to run our great province.
• To Ponoka town council: We hope that the new look will bring new energy to Ponoka’s future and that they will finally forget about the 38th Street fiasco.
• To Ponoka County council: Ongoing peace and preservation around the tranquil shores of Gull and Chain Lakes.
• Our Alberta oil: Will always be the finest in the world despite the dirt and the ducks.
• To Haiti and war-torn nations: A year of hope and inspiration instead of horror!
• To Justin Bieber: More money and more honeys, at least until your voice changes.
• To our brave soldiers: A new role as peacekeepers throughout the world.
• Alberta power lines: Everyone wants the juice, but not in their own back yard.
• To Oprah Winfrey: Good luck with your new television network, which we hope will carry lots of family shows.
• For the Ponoka Stampeders: A Heritage Junior B playoff spot for your loyal fans, and then the sky is the limit.
• For professional sports teams: Instead of creating instant millionaires, why not play for a little more pride and a little less cash so that the dedicated fans who put you there can afford to come and watch you play.
• To the 75th Ponoka Stampede: You are truly a diamond in the rough.
• To the Centennial Centre: An overwhelming response of guests for the much deserved tribute to your ‘100 Years of Caring Reunion weekend’ at the end of July 2011.
• To all of us seniors: We should never be afraid to celebrate and share all of our lifelong accomplishments and blessings.
• To the younger set: Going to school is the best time of your life, and at the end of that learning rainbow there will always be many exciting paths and challenges to follow, as well as all those who will help you set and achieve your goals and have fun.
• To all adults: May you strive to find the perfect combination of work, play, rest and family: fitting your unique lifestyle into every calendar day so that each complements the other. Sounds impossible? That’s why we have fridge notes and shrinks.
• Ponoka and District Agricultural Society: May the fabulous new activity centre in the stampede grounds promote and provide entertainment, instruction, and opportunities for people of all ages, all year round, and long into the future.
• For the Hammer: Soon to be 69 and still doing fine. With hopes that my beloved grandchildren don’t grow up to fast, that my family and friends will continue to put up with me, and that I will still have your inspiration and support to keep writing community stories!
• To our law enforcement agencies: The keen eye and extra resources to nail all the impaired and distracted drivers for the good and safety of all.
Ten most popular new year’s resolutions
• Spend more time with family and friends.
• Fit in fitness.
• Tame the bulge.
• Quit smoking.
• Quit drinking.
• Enjoy life more.
• Get out of debt.
• Learn something new every day, using patience.
• Help others by volunteering or donating to special causes.
• Get organized.
Most ridiculous and funny resolutions
• I will do less laundry and wear more deodorant.
• I resolve to work with my neglected children: my own.
• I will start buying my lottery tickets at a luckier store.
• I will wear clean underwear: just in case.
• I vow to put the toilet seat down and check for TP every time I leave the bathroom.
Understanding women from a man’s perspective.
• Will we ever understand how our special ladies can take boiling wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by root, and still be afraid of spiders?
• A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use in a day: 30,000 to a man’s 15,000! The wife quickly replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men,” to which the husband casually turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’
• Please enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebration to the extent that you will have absolutely nothing to regret the next morning, with possibly the exception of a real bad headache.
Have a great week, all of you!