Emily Jaycox editorial

Five inventions needed in these modern, pandemic times


I’m rather skeptical of the province’s assurances that the latest restrictions announced on May 4 will be the “one last time” that will manage to bend the curve, as a device that accurately predicts the future hasn’t been invented yet.

It’s a shame though. Such a thing would be infinitely useful. It brings to mind a few other things that the top minds of our time should get busy engineering. For your reading pleasure, here is a list of five inventions needed in these modern, pandemic times.

1. A contraption equipped with artificial intelligence and predictive capabilities that reads over your shoulder, with rubber hand attached, that smacks you upside the head if you start to type a nasty or flagrantly ignorant comment on Facebook. It could be called “Cuz-Your-Momma-Didn’t-Raise-You-That-Way.” Well, we’ll workshop the name later.

2. A bowl-like thingamajig (but definitely not just a bowl) that sits on your head and cuts your hair for you … with a complementary blindfold, because you’re going to need it. Of course, if you’re already wearing a mask, and now you can’t see either, maybe a paper bag over your head might be an overall solution to all that troubles you.

3. An alarm clock that, when you hit the snooze button, actually moves you back in time by that amount, so you can get in those extra z’s without being late for work … or your appointment with the couch. Because, who isn’t mentally exhausted and in need of more sleep nowadays? #SelfCare.

4. A wearable, motion sensor that detects when someone comes within six feet of you, that then blasts social media personality Laura Clery’s hilarious quarantine workout song “six feet away.” (“What do you do when someone comes up and tries to give you a handshake? Or a hug? Block ‘em! Block ‘em!”) The device removes all social awkwardness of having to find a polite way to ask someone to give you space, while giving the added bonus of celebrating a comedic genius. No downsides, right?

5. And last, but not least, a device that simultaneously enables the wearer to detect satire, while injecting a healthy dose of a sense of humour, so they can calm down and enjoy the small things in life a little more. We could all use a bit more of that, so I expect that little nugget to fly off the shelves.

Incidentally, if you should endeavour to manufacture any of these incredible invention ideas and take them to market, please be aware I will sue for patent rights for all the peanuts you’re worth.

Have a great day, and try to smile. After all, sometimes we have to laugh so we don’t cry.

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