MIKE RAINONE/Hammertime
I suppose that there were lots of tears among the cheers last Thursday as many millions of North Americans, including yours truly, tuned into the glitzy final episode of the Oprah Winfrey show.
If you caught that she quietly uttered, “I won’t say goodbye,” at the end of that memorable show, we know for sure that this talented lady will be back even bigger than before with her very own network to no doubt make a whole lot more money and new found friends.
Of course I watched some of her shows over the past 25 years, just like so many other 5 p.m. couch potatoes who have loved to thrive on that sassy Hollywood dessert before supper. What always impressed me about that show was that right from the beginning Oprah was never afraid to bring up the ‘touchy’ lifestyle subjects, to ask the tough questions, and to go nose to nose with the stars and celebrities, while passionately taking up the banner for so many needy causes throughout the world.
We must all hope that Ms. Winfrey takes the same compassionate, honest, and open approach on her newfound television adventures.
How about some hot and funny Hammer headlines?
Newfies sure know how to get ’er done!
‘Hello, is this the police station?’
‘Yes, what can I do for you?’
‘I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbour, Jack Murphy. He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood.
I don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s getting it stuffed in there somehow.’
After thanking him for the hot tip, the very next day 12 St. John’s police officers descended on Jack’s house, as well as searching the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of a large stack of firewood, but after finding no marijuana, they sneered at Jack and left.
Shortly after, the phone rings at Jack’s house.
‘Hey Jack, this here’s Floyd. Did the police come?”
‘Yeah,’ Jack replied.
‘Did they chop your firewood?’ his long time friend inquired. ‘Yep.’
‘Happy Birthday, buddy!’
Are kids getting a whole lot sharper these days?
A teacher was reading the age-old favourite story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his new home. She read… ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of your straw to build my house?’
The teacher paused and then asked the attentive class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’
Without any hesitation one little boy in the corner raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly. ‘I think the man would have said, ‘Well I’ll be a son of a gun, a talking pig.’
The teacher had to leave the room.
A must read for grandparents and all other avid sports fans
It is now ball season everywhere, and at one point during a friendly community league game, the coach called one of his nine year old players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is, and what a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
‘Do you understand that what really matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’ The little boy again nodded a yes.
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know that when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him all those unmentionable names that adults sometimes blurt out. Do you understand all that?’ The little boy nodded a big yes again.
He continued. ‘And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb so and so or poop-head is it?’
The little boy shook his head, ‘No sir.’
‘Good,’ said the coach. ‘Now would you please go over to the bleachers and explain that to your grandmother and your mother.’
Hopefully those windy bad hair days have now gone, the mosquitoes have frozen their little butts, summer will soon sizzle, and it will be a great week for all of you!