Our pets are smarter than we really think

Throughout the course of our lives most of us have or will possess some sort of pesky pet

Throughout the course of our lives most of us have or will possess some sort of pesky pet that somewhere along the line we will usually become very attached to. The most common pets are dogs, cats, hamsters, ponies, and all sorts of birds, but then there are those who fall in love with those, exotic, maybe even strange breeds of lizards, frogs, snakes, turtles, spiders, and who knows what else.

All pets love to be pampered, loved and fed, and as their only adopted family we need to treat them right, even though they make us mad with the occasional mess or mishap sometimes. The actions, stares, and nudges of all our pets are worth a thousand words, and let’s just imagine what they might say if they could talk.

How to tame a really rude parrot

A young man named John received a colorful parrot as a gift, but once he got the pet home he realized the parrot had a very bad attitude, and even a worse vocabulary. Every word that came out of the big bird’s mouth was rude, loud, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s bad attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music next to the cage, and anything else that might clean up his new feathered friends vocabulary.

Finally, John was completely fed up and started yelling at the parrot, even giving it a shake. But the bird threw a temper tantrum, yelled back and squawked even louder and ruder. John, in total desperation threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put it in the freezer. For a few moments the parrot continued to make lots of noise, then there was a total silence, and not a peep was heard for more than a moment.

Fearing that he had hurt his parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer, and the pretty bird calmly stepped out and into his outstretched arms. The first very polite and surprising words to his new master were: “I’m sincerely sorry that I may have offended you with my rude language and actions, and I am very remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything to correct my unforgivable behavior, and become your perfect pet forever.”

John was stunned at the total change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly: “May I ask what the turkey did wrong?”

To God from the dog

It may sound just a little silly, but after so many happy days with their favourite family, and before they snuggle up on their favourite bed or couch, if your dog could talk, these just might be their prayers, with hopes that they will eventually be granted a place in “Doggy Heaven.”

• Are there mailmen in heaven, and if there are, will I have to apologize; when we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch, or is it still the same old story; and please could we have more meatballs than spaghetti?

• Why are there cars and trucks named after a jaguar, mustang, colt, stingray, rabbit, and ram, but not one single one is named after a dog. We do love our nice ride in our family car, so would it be possible to rename the Chrysler Eagle, to the Chrysler Beagle?

• We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, IDs, and Frisbee flight paths, but what do humans understand?

• Here is a list of just the things I must always remember to be a good dog.

-I will not eat the cat’s food before they eat it or after they throw it up, and I must always remember that the cat is not a squeaky toy that I can pounce on and roll around the living room.

-I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box, although they are quite tasty.

-I must always remember: the diaper pail is not a cookie jar, the sofa is not a face towel, the garbage collector is not stealing our stuff, my head does not belong in the refrigerator, and I should never stand up suddenly when I am under a table.

-I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches for my mom’s driver’s license and registration; I must not play tug of war with my dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet; I will not throw up in the family car or eat the kid’s treats, and I will not come in from the outside and immediately drag my butt across the floor.

-Please help me to learn that if I ever chew my adult’s favourite shoes or slippers or bark at the neighbour ever again, I will be forever banished to the dog house, and may quite likely never gain entry through the “Pearly Gates for Puppies.”

Have a great and balmy week, all of you!

— HAMMERTIME