The joy of golf

have never been much of a golfer, but I admire all those who are, and really enjoy watching all those great pros going head-to-head

I have never been much of a golfer, but I admire all those who are, and really enjoy watching all those great pros going head-to-head each weekend on those fabulous and challenging courses throughout the world.

It is hard to forget my early adventures as a kid chasing around the Ponoka Community Golf Course, and even though I golfed cross-handed and had a pretty mean hook, I could hammer the ball pretty good, and really loved to rub shoulders with everyone else out there having a good time amongst nature’s splendour.

This week’s column is dedicated to all golfers everywhere, and no matter what each round may bring, please get the best out of your game, just for the great exercise and the fun of it all.

• You may never have shot your age, but you have likely scored your cholesterol count many times.

• You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 per cent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 per cent of the time.

• The shortest distance between two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a large tree, and usually results in a stroll through the rough or a stop at the drink tent.

• If you want to get better at golf go back and start at a much earlier age. Show the same respect for the golf course as you would for your own back yard, and please replace the divots.

• Golf appeals to the child in all of us, as proven by the frequent inability to count past the number five, and insisting that your score pencil has a good eraser.

• Does your idea of a super athlete include John Daly hitting a 350-yard drive, then heading off down the fairway sipping a frosty one with a cigarette dangling off his lip?

• Always remember hazards attract and fairways repel. A ball that you can see in the rough 50 yards away is usually not yours, and if two balls are in the bunker, yours is likely the one in the foot print.

• All golfers can usually put a nifty draw or a fade on their ball, but not too many can put a ‘straight’ on the ball. It’s surprising how easy it is to hole a 50-foot putt when you are lying 10.

• Every golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck. The difference between a whiff and a practise swing is that nobody curses after the practise swing.

• Always make sure that you yell ‘fore’ before the body hits the ground. I don’t enjoy playing video golf because there’s nothing to throw. One of the first commandments of golf is that thou shalt not imitate a stunt driver in your golf cart, and that thou shalt not pick up a lost ball until it stops rolling.

• If profanity had any influence on the flight of the golf ball, most everyone would play better. Golf is a lot harder than baseball, because in golf you have to play your foul balls.

• Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is yourself. Always remember that the game of golf is 90 per cent mental and 10 per cent self-induced.

• In 1923 Gene Sarazen won most of the important golf championships available at the time, including the United States Open and the coveted PGA title. He played until he was 92 and died at the age of 95, and was financially solvent at the time of his death. Moral of the story: Stop worrying so much about finances and start playing more golf.

• A man’s boss phoned one afternoon and asked him if everything was OK at the office. He assured him that although it was so busy and he was rushed off his feet, he had it all under control. “Can you do me a favor?” the boss asked. “Of course, what is it?” the man asked. “Speed up a little, because I’m in the foursome behind you!”

• Beverly was a 90-yearold veteran golfer who had played every day since her retirement 25 years ago. One day she came home and informed her 103-year-old husband she was quitting golf because although she could still hit the ball straight and long, with her bad eyesight she can’t see where it went.

Her husband insisted despite his age his eyesight was perfect, and she could continue to play the game she loved if she took him along to be her ‘ball spotter.’ So next day the happy senior couple headed out to the course together, and on the first tee she hit a mighty drive down the fairway, then turns to her husband and asks, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did,” replied Gus. “I have perfect eyesight,.”

“Then where did it go?,” Bev asked. “I don’t remember,” he sheepishly replied.

• Funniest golf joke of the week comes as husband and wife watch their cruise ship sink out of sight. “When you put your golf clubs into the lifeboat ahead of me, I knew where I stood in this relationship,” she uttered.

Think summer and sun, and have a great week, all of you!