There is now a brand new language for seniors

HAMMERTIME

I was trying to write a column several thousand miles away from home last week, but ended up having way too much fun frolicking in the sand and sun. It was the occasion of our annual ‘get away from the deep freeze’ holiday, leaving on Jan. 12 when it was about 30 degrees below, then returning two weeks later to shiver in the snow, but got absolutely no sympathy whatsoever.

After a daily douse of lotion, I came home only pleasantly pink, but we did have a great time mingling with a whole lot of happy Hawaiians and friendly tourists from throughout the world. The biggest treats, my wife swam with a dolphin, we got up close and personal with a family of whales, got a glimpse of superstars such as Peyton Manning, Ray Lewis, Michael Vick and others in town for the National Football League Pro-Bowl, and devoured far too much coconut ice cream.

Texting and tweeting with seniors

Since more and more seniors are now texting and tweeting and understanding our computers and all sorts of wild and wonderful technology, there appears to be a need for our very own STC. This delightful Senior Texting Code should be fun and easy to understand each other, guaranteed to keep our daily communication lines open, and maybe even to get through to the younger generation.

ATD – At the Doctor’s.

BFF – Best Friend Fainted.

BTW – Bring the Wheelchair.

BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth.

CBM – Covered by Medicare.

CUATSC – See You at the Seniors’ Centre.

DWI – Driving While Incontinent.

FWB – Friend with Beta Blockers.

FWIW – Forgot Where I Was.

FYI – Found Your Insulin.

GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA – Got Heartburn Again.

IMHO – Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO – Laughing, My Dentures Out.

LOL – Living on Lipitor.

OMMR – On My Massage Recliner.

OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas!

ROTFL – CGU – Rolling On The Floor Laughing -and Can’t Get Up!

TTYL – Talk To You Louder.

WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA – Wet The Furniture Again.

WTP – Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO– Walker Wheels Need Oil.

MNLDIH – My New Lady Doctor Is Hot!

SPCMT – Senior Poker Club Meets Tuesday.

DLTDD – Doris Likes To Double Date!

DBAOFD – Don’t Be An Old Fuddy Duddy.

LGL AB – Let’s Get Lucky – At Bingo!

AEYGY – Always Enjoy Your Golden Years!

The official Canadian Temperature conversion chart

Even though we are now in the middle of winter, these neat weather comparisons should make us feel very proud as to how hardy and tough we are, no matter what the conditions may be!

50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 C) – While Californians shiver uncontrollably, Canadians are planting their gardens.

35 degrees Fahrenheit (1.6 C) – Italians’ cars won’t start but Canadians are driving around with their windows down.

32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 C) – American water freezes and Canadian water just gets thicker.

0 degrees Fahrenheit (-17.9 C) – New York City landlords will finally turn on the heat, while Canadians are enjoying the last cookout of the season!

-60 degrees Fahrenheit (-51C) – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole, and our Canadian Girl Guides and Brownies are out selling cookies door to door.

-109.9 degrees Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) – Carbon dioxide freezes, making dry ice, and Canadians pull down our earflaps!

-173 degrees Fahrenheit (-114 C) – Ethyl alcohol freezes, while Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw out their kegs.

-459.67 degrees Fahrenheit (-273.15C) – Absolute zero, all atomic motion stops, and Canadians start saying “cold, eh?”

-500 degrees Fahrenheit (-295 C) – Hell freezes over, the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, and us old loyal fans will likely not be around to celebrate!!

How about these adult truths and suggestions? Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when we realize that we are wrong. Map Quest really needs to start their travel directions on No. 5, because I am pretty sure we all know how to get out of our own neighbourhood? Occasionally we all have a tough time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Whether that scruffy old Ground Hog was in a ‘get out of winter’ mood or not, we all need to stay warm, think positive, and have a great week, all of you!